Groucho Marx Well You Have It Again
Outside of a domestic dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's likewise dark to read.
attributed to Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked upward your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx
Become, and never darken my towels again.
Groucho Marx
I find boob tube very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a volume.
Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, only in your instance I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
I sent the club a wire stating, Please Have MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO Whatsoever CLUB THAT Will Accept ME AS A Member.
Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. Just this wasn't information technology.
Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if y'all don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies similar a assistant.
Groucho Marx
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot merely don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
Groucho Marx
Margaret Dumont: "Why, that reminds me of my youth!!" Groucho: "He must be a pretty large boy by now."
Groucho/Margaret Dumont (Flick)
"honk honk"
Harpo Marx
"Come get your water ice-foam! Come become your tootsie-frootsie ice cream!"
Chico in A Solar day At the Races (movie)
Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here'due south a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd take to give you ix more than books"
Chico/ Groucho in A Solar day At The Races (Movie)
Man: Are you a man or a mouse? Groucho: Put a slice of cheese on the floor and yous'll detect out.
Groucho in A Mean solar day at the Races (movie)
If I hold you lot any closer I'll exist in back of yous!
Groucho in A Twenty-four hour period at the Races (Movie)
And terminate pointing that bristles at me, it might go off!
Groucho in A Day at the Races (Movie)
Groucho: "Do you like gardinia's?" Woman: " Why Yes I Adore Them. How did you know?" Groucho: " I Didn't so I got you lot a forget-me-non instead."
Groucho/Margaret in A Twenty-four hour period At The Races (movie)
Chico: "What'due south the matter, Mister?" Groucho: "Oh, we got into an argument and he pulled a pocketknife on me so I shot him."
Chico and Groucho Marx in A Dark at the Opera (movie)
(introducing Mrs C. to Mr. G) Mrs Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb; Mr Gottlieb, Mrs Claypool; Mrs Claypool, Mr Gottlieb; Mr Gottlieb, Mrs Claypool! If y'all four people want to play bridge, don't heed me, get right alee.
Groucho in A Night at the Opera (Motion-picture show)
Lassparri: "They threw an apple at me!" Groucho: "Well, watermelons are out of season."
Groucho in A Nighttime at the Opera (movie)
"The party of of the first office..." is hereinafter chosen: "the party of the first role..." and "The party of of the 2nd part..." is hereinafter called: "the party of the 2nd part...
Groucho and Chico in A Night at the Opera (Moving picture)
"Don't y'all know what duplicates are?" "Sure. There'south five kids upwards in Canada." "Well, I wouldn't know nearly that. I oasis't been to Canada in years."
Groucho and Chico Marx in A Nighttime at the Opera
Groucho: "Go outta here before I get arrested." Chico: "Nah I'd similar to stay and see that."
Groucho and Chico Marx in A Night at the Opera (flick)
... and two hard boiled eggs ...
Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera (movie)
ix dollars and forty cents? Thats an outrage! If I were you I wouldn't pay it!
Groucho Marx in A Night At The Opera (film)
Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alert clock is set for eight."
Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera (movie)
Groucho: Do you follow me? Margaret Dumont: Yes! Groucho: Well, you improve end following me, or I'll have y'all arrested.
Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera (motion picture)
Chico- Can he live in NY on $3? Groucho- Like a prince. Of grade he won't be able to eat, but he tin live like a prince.
Groucho, Chico in A Night at the Opera (Film)
Groucho: "That'southward in every contract, that'due south what you telephone call a sanity clause." Chico: "Y'all can't a fool a me there ain't no sanity clause"
Groucho/Chico in A Night at the Opera (movie)
We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a invitee orders a three-infinitesimal egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give information technology to him in 1 infinitesimal. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself.
Groucho in A Night in Casablanca (movie)
Groucho: Yous know I recall yous're the most cute woman in the world? Adult female: Actually? Groucho: No, just I don't mind lying if information technology gets me somewhere
Groucho Marx in A Night in Casablanca (Flick)
Hundred aces huh?...Two hundred... thats even amend
Chico in Creature Crackers (Film)
I got his tie what did you lot get...the nascency marker thats great
Chico Marx in Animal Crackers (Picture show)
We must remember that art is art. Well, on the other hand water is water isn't it? And east is e and west is west. And if you lot take cranberries and stew them similar applesause they taste much more than similar prunes than rubarb does. At present uh...now you tell me what yous know.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
Practise you mind if I don't smoke?
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
If I were a human, you would resent that.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (motion picture)
I'll testify yous a thing or three.
Groucho in Brute Crackers (movie)
quote, unquote, and quote.
Groucho in Animate being Crackers (movie)
Alright, leave it out and put in a windshield-wiper instead.
Groucho in Fauna Crackers (movie)
I'm Captain Scotland of the Spalding Yard.
Groucho in Beast Crackers (picture)
Helm Yard of the Scotland Spalding
Groucho in Animal Crackers (motion picture)
Well, all the jokes can't be proficient. You've got to expect that once in a while.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
"I came here for a party and what practice I get? Nil. Not even Ice cream."
Groucho in Beast Crackers (Movie)
I'll do anything y'all say. In fact I'll even stay. Merely I must be going.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
That's a appointment, now, Sat at three. No, you lot ameliorate go far Tuesday. I'thousand going to Europe Monday.
Groucho in Fauna Crackers (movie)
Tell me, what do you retrieve of the traffic problem? What do you recall of the matrimony trouble? What do you lot recollect of at nighttime when you go to bed, you creature.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
"One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, simply who wants to marry your grandmother? Non even your gramps!"
Groucho in Fauna Crackers (movie)
I morning time I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not then easy to say. Tusks. Yous attempt information technology some time. As I say, we tried to remove the tusks. Simply they were embedded so firmly we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, only that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking well-nigh.
Groucho in Animal crackers (Picture show)
Groucho: Did yous e'er see a tree like that? Chico: Tree? That'due south a spinage. Groucho: That can't be spinage. Where'south the egg?
Groucho and Chico in Fauna Crackers (moving picture)
Captain Spaulding, talking about his latest trip to Africa: 'We took some pictures of the native girls but they weren't adult. Just we're going back again in a couple of weeks !'
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers (picture)
GROUCHO:"You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I knew it wouldn't open." CHICO:"Haha you're crazy, I got a pair of shoes."
Groucho/Chico in Animal Crackers (movie)
Margaret Dumont: I'thou not the dummy. Chico: Well, you could be.
Margaret Dumond and Chico in Brute Crackers (motion picture)
Crowd: Hooray for Captain Spaulding. The African explorer. Capt. Spaulding: Did someone telephone call me schnorer Crowd: Hooray, Hooray, Hooray.
Groucho in Animal Crakers (pic)
Cab driver: Hey mister, $18.75 Groucho: 1875? That'south what I thought. The 1940 models run much smoother.
Groucho in At The Circus (movie)
"I'll teach you to kick me..." "You don't demand to teach me I already know how!"
Chico in Duck Soup (motion picture)
Certain we shadowed him: Tuesday we sit exterior his house all day, but he no home. Wednesday we went to the ball game, he fool united states of america and no bear witness up. Thrusday he go to the brawl game, but we fool him and nosotros no bear witness up. Friday it was a double header, nobody show upwards, so we stay abode and listened to it on the radio.
Chico in Duck Soup (movie)
Chaser: That kind of testimony we tin eliminate. Chico: Atsa fine I'll have a dainty cold glassa lemonade.
Chico in Duck Soup (movie)
Who are y'all going to believe, me or your own optics?
Chico Marx in Duck Soup (motion-picture show)
Attorney: Chicolini, when were you born? Chicolini: I don't remember. I was just a petty baby.
Chico Marx in Duck Soup (movie)
I could dance with you till the cows come habitation...Just I would rather dance with the cows till yous come domicile
Groucho in Duck Soup (Movie)
Why a four year old child could empathize this. Run out and go me a four yr former kid, I tin't make caput or tail out of it.
Groucho in Duck Soup (picture show)
Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you comprehend a lot of footing yourself. You improve crush it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You tin leave in a taxi. If you lot can't become a taxi, y'all can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can go out in a minute and a huff. You know, yous oasis't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
I can see y'all standing over a hot stove, just I can't see the stove
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
If any course of pleasure is exhibited, written report to me and information technology will be prohibited
Groucho in Duck Soup (moving-picture show)
Minister: "We need to take up the taxation" Groucho: "I'd similar to take up the carpet." Minister: "I still insist we have up the taxation." Groucho: "He'south right - you've gotta accept up the tacks before you can accept up the rug."
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
I danced earlier Napoleon. No, Napoleon danced before me - in fact, he danced two hundred years before me.
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
Treasury Secretary: "Sir, y'all endeavor my patience!" Firefly: "Don't listen if I do. You lot must try mine sometime."
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
Don't await now but there's one man too many in this room and i think it's yous.
Groucho in Duck Soup (pic)
Groucho: How would you similar a chore at the mint? Chico: Mint? I don't similar mint. What other flavors you got?
Groucho and Chico in Duck Soup (movie)
Groucho: But for that I'one thousand not going to give you the job I was going to give you. Chico: What task? Groucho: Secretary of War Chico: Alright, I accept it.
Groucho and Chico in Duck Soup (pic)
Pick a number from one to ten. Xi. Right!
Groucho and Chico Marx in Duck Soup (picture)
FIREFLY: To my dentist. Er .. 'Dear Dentist: Enclosed find cheque for five hundred dollars. Yours very truly.' Send that off immediately. BOB:I'll ... er I'll accept to enclose the cheque first. FIREFLY: You do and I'll fire you.
Groucho and Zeppo Marx in Duck Soup (movie)
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's award; which is probably more than she ever did.
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (movie)
Rufus T. Firefly "My father was a fiddling Headstrong, my mother was a little Armstong. The Headstrongs married the Armstrongs and that's why darkies were built-in."
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (film)
I've got a skilful listen to get out and bring together a club and beat you over the head with information technology.
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (movie)
Mrs.Teasdale: Your Exellency, I really don't know what to say. Firefly: I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. (to Ambassador Trentino) Maybe you could suggest something. Every bit a thing of fact, y'all DO suggest something! To me yous propose a baboon! (Administrator gasps, and looks insulted) Firefly:(afterthought) I'grand sorry I said that. Information technology isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.
Groucho Marx/Margaret Dumont in Duck Soup (flick)
MD "Closer... closer... closer...." GM "If I were whatsoever closer, I'd be in the back of y'all"
Margaret Dumont, Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (moving-picture show)
CHICO: "I would like the w better if it was in the due east"
chico in Go Westward (movie)
GROUCHO: "That'south a midicine human being... can yous imagine taking a teaspoon total of him?"
Groucho in Go West (moving-picture show)
GROUCHO: "You lot dear your blood brother don't yous?" CHICO: "No but i'yard used to him."
Groucho and Chico in Go West (movie)
CHICO: "They say the gilt is laying all over the tracks eh Rusty all over the tracks." GROUCHO: "The fashion he looks it's like he's been laying all over the tracks."
Groucho and Chico in Get West (pic)
Chico: "Who are you?" Groucho: "Im fine, thanks. Who are y'all?"
Chico and Groucho in Horse Feathers (movie)
"Members of the faculty, faculty members. Students of Huxley and Huxley's students. Well I guess that covers everything"
Groucho in Horse Feathers (Movie)
"Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"
Groucho in Equus caballus Feathers (movie)
Have we got a college? Take nosotros got a football team?....Well we can't afford both. Tomorrow nosotros start tearing downwards the college.
Groucho in Horse Feathers (movie)
(Chico and Groucho on hands and knees) " Thats no way to go into a speakeasy thats the way to go out "
Groucho Marx in Equus caballus Feathers (movie)
And even when you've inverse it all condensed it, i'm confronting it!
Groucho Marx in Equus caballus Feathers (moving-picture show)
Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. And that reminds me of a story thats so dirty, I'm ashamed to think of it myself.
Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers (Movie)
Zeppo: Dad, I'k proud to exist your son Groucho: You took the words correct out of my rima oris. I'm ashamed to exist your father
Zeppo and Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers (film)
Chico: "The garbage man is here." Groucho: "Well, tell him nosotros don't desire any."
Chico and Groucho Marx in I'll Say She Is (testify)
"The indians are coming! Put your scalp in your pocket!" (puts human's toupee in his pocket.)
in Monkey Business (movie)
You pay us a fiddling we exist a fiddling Tough... You pay us alot we be alot Tough...
Chico in Monkey Business (Picture)
"yous got information technology alright, and you can continue it"
Chico in Monkey Business (movie)
Human being: What's the idea putting your hand in my pocket CHICO: Just a picayune error. I had a arrange one time merely looked like that, and for a moment I thought those were my pants. Man: How could they be your pants when I've got them on? CHICO: Well, this accommodate had 2 pair of pants.
Chico Marx in Monkey Business (film)
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx in Monkey Business (moving-picture show)
If y'all have ten dollars ameliorate see me in the morning. If you've got six can I lend you iv?
Groucho in The Cocoanuts (movie)
Hammer: Come up over hither, Rand McNally, and I'll explicate this thing to yous. At present look, this is a map and diagram of the whole Cocoanut section. ... Hammer: ... Now, here is a little peninsula, and, eh, here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland. Chico: Why a duck? Hammer: I'm alright, how are you? I say, here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland. Chico: Alright, why a duck? Hammer: (pause) I'm not playing "Enquire Me Another," I say that'southward a viaduct. Chico: Alright! Why a duck? Why that...why a duck? Why a no chicken? Hammer: Well, I don't know why a no chicken; I'g a stranger here myself. All I know is that information technology'south a viaduct. You lot try to cross over in that location a chicken and y'all'll find out why a duck. Chico: When I become someplace I just... Hammer: (interrupts) Information technology's...It's deep water, that's why a duck. It's deep water. Chico: That's why a duck... Hammer: Await...look, suppose yous were out horseback riding and you came to that stream and yous wanted to ford over...You couldn't make information technology, it's too deep! Chico: Well, why do you desire with a Ford if you gotta horse? Hammer: Well, I'm sorry the matter ever came upwardly. All I know is that it'south a viaduct. Chico: Now look, alright, I catch ona why a horse, why a craven, why a this, why a that... I no catch ona why a duck. Hammer: I was only fooling...I was just fooling. They're gonna build a tunnel in that location in the morning. At present is that articulate to you? Chico: Yes, everything excepta why a duck.
Groucho and Chico in The Cocoanuts (moving picture)
Ice H2o? Get some Onions - that'll brand your eyes water!
Groucho Marx in The Cocoanuts (movie)
Who'south buried in Grant's tomb?
Groucho in Y'all Bet Your Life (Idiot box)
This site uses material originally created by Frank Bland for his website Why A Duck?. Frank did kindly give me permission to employ this fabric.
The Marx Brothers - Los Hermanos Marx - האחים מרקס - マルクス兄弟 - Les Freres Marx - 마르크스형제 - Братья Маркс - Bröderna Marx - برادران مارکس - I Fratelli Marx - Братята Маркс - Bracia Marx - Germans Marx - الأخوة ماركس - 馬克思兄弟 - Αδελφοί Μαρξ - Irmãos Marx 
Source: https://www.marx-brothers.org/info/quotes.htm
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